How Cool is Cool?
By Diana Richardson
Cool is not cold. In coldness you don’t care, you are separate from the experience. However, in cool we are very engaged. Usually when we use or hear the word cool in relation to a person, it implies a level of nonchalance, of having it all worked out, but in the sexual context cool means something quite different, it introduces a noticeable quality. In coolness, you are definitely involved, and at the same time, you are taking it easy. You give yourself opportunity to savour the flavours. You are letting things unfold, connected to the insides of your own body, sensing what you are feeling and where you are feeling it.
There is an element of mindfulness – which means you are ‘paying attention’ to what is happening and how it is happening. This quality of self-awareness or attentiveness gives rise to a ‘person to person’ connection, which makes the exchange engaging, meaningful and enjoyable. When we are cooler and more conscious of what we are doing, and how we are doing it, we are naturally become slower, and this slowness makes us more sensitive. We actually have the time and space to feel ourselves.
The tendency in sex is to focus on the fire, to build up the heat, and in fact basically there is the belief that the hotter the sex the better the sex. But the truth is that too much heat, excitement and stimulation will tend to end up with ejaculation, which usually implies the end of the sexual exchange. Being more cool means that you are monitoring the sexual temperature, and not bringing things to the boil. When the situation heats up, you relax for a while. You breathe deep and slow. A little excitement and then relax again. And so on.
Importantly though - relaxation does not mean collapse or going dead. It means to take the attention inside your body rather than focusing on the body of your partner, to move with more awareness, and also to relax any tense parts that you observe, basically to cool down a bit. Classic places where we carry tension on an ongoing basis is the jaw, the shoulders, the belly, and the pelvic floor - the area surrounding the genitals and anus. When we consciously relax any of these parts, immediately the body will spontaneously take a deep breath as if saying thank you! And if you keep feeling inside your body you will notice that there is an expansion of inner sensitivity, a spreading of sweet good lovely sensations – suddenly you can feel more, your sensitivity increases. You become more alive to yourself, more tuned into your body.
Usually the tendency is to keep building on the excitement to a peak, to make things more and more intense, however in cool sex the approach is to extend the sexual exchange, without moving directly toward the peak. In cool we discover how to be more present to each moment, rather than focusing on the ‘end’ and doing whatever we can to get there. In this way, by cooling down, it is possible to enjoy the ride and postpone the peak for quite some time. A little excitement and then relax. Or if you wish, there is the option and choice to have no peak at all.
This sounds contrary to what we think - that sex is all about the peak. But perhaps you have noticed – once the few seconds of peak has passed, there is a sense of disconnection and a loss of energy? Especially for men. Women also experience a loss of energy and disconnection, plus often there can be feelings of sadness too. One moment you are utterly involved and the next moment it is all over. And you might wonder – what was all that about?
Relaxation in sex, or less excitement in sex sounds so contrary to what we know or expect from sex. However, coolness is definitely worth checking out. Upcoming generations are increasingly affected and impacted by the media and the result is a very one-sided view of sex – the impression that sex is all about intensity and sensation. This brings with it quite some pressure to perform well and/or the pressure to produce something.
Certainly, there is nothing wrong in this approach, but coolness offers some sort of balance to all this heat. At some point anything hot has to cool down, and what do you do then?
Hotness plays a part for sure, but the other side of the coin has equal value, and surprisingly it brings unexpected rewards. When part of our attention is directed toward the ‘inner’, and not only on the ‘outer’ there arises a sense of connection and caring between the partners that continues even when sex is over. You feel nourished, and enriched and you develop more trust in yourself, and increases self- confidence. An exploration of coolness is equally valid for adults as well, not only the young ones to whom the book “Cool Sex” is directed. Generally, while we think that more is more, sometimes less is more! How cool is that?
Diana Richardson is considered one of today’s leading authorities on human sexuality. She has previously written 7 books on how in practical ways a person can experience a more fulfilling sex and love life. Born in South Africa in 1954, she first qualified as a lawyer (B.A.LLB), and then trained as a massage therapist (ITEC) in the UK. Her interest in the body and healing prompted an intense personal exploration into the union of sex and meditation - the essence of Tantra. Since 1993, together with her partner, Michael, she has been sharing her insights and experiences with couples who travel from many different parts of the world to participate in their informative and life changing ‘making love’ workshops in Switzerland. In this Diana’s 8th book written for young adults she has collaborated with Wendy Doeleman, a former participant in Diana’s workshops, and sex educator living in the Netherlands.
Cool sex is available from www.o-books.com and from wherever books are sold