FEATURE - August 2015 - Kansas City
Cultivating the Capacity for Sacred Sexuality through Committed Self Love
By Laura Wolf
Do you long for soulful sexual connection that feels deep, raw, juicy, vulnerable, generous, vast, and free? To give yourself completely, open your body, heart, mind, and spirit, and hold nothing back? To be cherished for every aspect of you—the light, the dark, and everything in between?
We all long for this kind of sacred union. It is one of our deepest human needs. So how do we get there? Most people skip the first few steps by seeking connection through another person.
Several years ago, through a series of painful events, I became aware that I had unconsciously been using sex most of my adult life as a desperate attempt to feel connection. I had a lot of great sexual experience—fun, hot, juicy, tender, and wild—but I had no idea how to love myself. I kept creating disappointing relationships with men who also did not love themselves.
We cannot get connection from any one outside of ourselves. It already exists within us, but we must do the work of going within to find it. Sacred sexuality begins with connection with your self and the true source of love, your Inner Beloved.
“Beloved” is simply a name for the divine source of unconditional love. The Beloved lives in us, as us, and all around us. There is never any shortage of love, only our resistance to, or unawareness of it. The Beloved is always available for us, no matter what. Communing with your Inner Beloved provides a pathway for developing true self-love.
Sheri Winston, one of America’s leading teachers of sacred sexuality, writes in her book, Women’s Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure, “If you want to have better sex, explore your full potential and have deeply healthy and sustainable relationships with others, you need to begin with your relationship with yourself and bring your sexuality into the light of awareness. Only after you have done this important learning and healing work and developed a strong foundation of self-love and connection to your source can you become your own fabulous lover, and proceed from there to have your relationships with others be the healing partnerships and divine union we all long for.”
I stumbled upon my Inner Beloved in the midst of a breakup eight years ago. Lying in bed one night, lonely and miserable, I cried out to Spirit to help me learn to love myself so that I could stop creating such painful relationships. As if in answer to that prayer, I suddenly felt the presence of a strong, loving masculine energy next to me in bed.
Tall, dark, and mysterious, my Inner Beloved wrapped his arms around me and held me as I cried. He listened to my pain and told me I could cry in his arms as long as I needed. Something changed in me that night. My panic subsided, a deep sense of calm and contentment permeated my being and I slept deeply.
Each subsequent night when I crawled into bed and the lonely feelings crept in with me, I called upon my Inner Beloved to hold and love me. I shared my fears, hopes, and insecurities. He listened, stroked my hair and said loving things to me.
Eventually, I made love with my Inner Beloved. Not just masturbating to achieve orgasm, but slowing everything down, breathing deeply, opening my heart, and imagining my Beloved making love with me in exactly the ways that I longed for. At last, I had a healthy way to express my own sacred sexual energy—a way that actually generated the experience of love that I longed for—rather than creating chaos and disappointment in my life.
Internationally acclaimed authority on tantra Margo Anand writes, “The purpose of meeting your Inner Lover is rooted in the understanding that the more self-accepting you are, the more orgasmic you become. When you criticize yourself, one part of you is fighting against another part, and consequently your energy is in conflict. In a state of self-acceptance, your energy is unified. By connecting with your Inner Lover and experiencing self-acceptance, your potential to be orgasmic is greatly enhanced.”
As I practiced connecting with my Inner Beloved, I began to feel loved and whole within myself. I learned to value myself and treat myself well. A year into this practice an entirely different quality of man came into my life. Conscious, loving, and deeply engaged in his own Inner Beloved practice, this man eventually became my life partner.
We made a commitment from the beginning to share all parts of ourselves—all of our thoughts, fears, doubts, dreams, and especially anything we thought the other person might not accept about us. We also committed to reconnect over and over again with the source of love within our selves, especially when we are upset with each other.
Inner Beloved practice allows you to feel held, heard, loved, and supported from within, regardless of outer circumstances. When you provide spaciousness, gentleness, compassion, and love for all parts of yourself, you can bring all parts of yourself into your relationships. This is the true foundation of sacred sexuality.
Are you willing to be totally raw, juicy, vulnerable and deeply connected with yourself? Here are some simple steps for beginning a relationship with your Inner Beloved:
Communing with Your Inner Beloved
1. What does your ideal lover look like? What are some of your Inner Beloved’s character traits (kind, loving, generous, funny, fun, romantic, etc.)? Write out as many details about your Beloved as you can.
2. What does your Inner Beloved appreciate about you? How do you want to be loved?
3. Sit quietly and begin to connect to your breath, slowing down and relaxing your body. When you feel present with your self, conjure up the presence of your Inner Beloved. Just be together at first, breathing in each other’s essence.
4. Imagine your Inner Beloved holding you and infusing you with love.
5. Repeat often!
Laura Wolf teaches radical self-love and the path to unlocking your sacred purpose. As a transformation coach, workshop leader, Master Facilitator of the Shamanic Breath Work Process, and the founder of Shaman’s Heart Sanctuary, Laura works with clients via phone and Skype and leads retreats around the world.