Journey to Wholeness

Wisdom Within

Boundaries In Our Lives

by Jude LaClaire, Ph.D. 

 

What is a boundary? Merriam-Webster defines it as “something that indicates or fixes a 

limit or extent.” The author, Anne Katherine, M.A. in Where to Draw the Line: How to 

Set Healthy Boundaries Everyday, says, “A boundary is a limit that promotes integrity.” 

She goes on to say, “In short your boundaries-or your defenses-create a corridor through

which your life has moved.”

 

Let’s talk about the limits or extents as they relate to our everyday lives. An important differentiation is between boundaries and defenses. Boundaries tend, most of the time, to be consciously chosen while defenses are in the unconscious part of our mind. We come into this world as totally symbiotic beings, one with our biological mothers. Quickly we begin to differentiate, developing as a separate organism, moving slowly toward independence. 

 

Fast forward to teens and into young adulthood. One hopes that this process is a healthy 

one where the person is learning healthy differentiation or boundaries.

 

As adults most of us struggle with knowing the difference between a defense and a boundary. Anne Katherine helps us to think about this with the lens she calls integrity. 

“By the limits you set, you protect the integrity of your day, your energy and spirit, the 

health of your relationships, the pursuits of your heart.” She goes on to say, “A boundary

is like a membrane that keeps an organism intact. It lets positive things in. It keeps harmful things out. In this way it operates quite differently from defenses, which 

discriminately keeps things out.”

 

Think about your day and how many times you make decisions about a limit or boundary 

for yourself or one you share with others. It could be about time, space, tasks, food, dress and appearance, emotion or interpersonal interactions. Boundaries are expressed in our 

choices regarding these things. People are quite different in the way their boundaries are 

experienced.

 

Ernest Hartmann, MD has done extensive research on what he calls thick and thin boundaries. He writes about it in Boundaries in the Mind: A New Psychology of 

Personality. Thick boundary people are more black and white, seeing things as good or 

bad, us or them. They may suppress or deny strong feelings though body indicators like 

heart rate, blood pressure or muscle tension betray their agitation. Thin boundary people are highly sensitive in a variety of ways and from an early age. Their boundaries are 

easily crossable and they see life in shades of gray.

 

Go to www.youremotionaltype.com and find a short questionnaire to determine if you are a thick or thin boundary person. A longer one is in Dr. Hartmann’s book. His research

shows, and it is agreed upon by many brain scientists, that these ways of behaving are in 

the hard wiring of the brain.

 

Go Back

Jude LaClaire, Ph.D., LCPC,

LCSW is a counselor, educator

and author. For counseling

appointments, seminars,

training, speaking

engagements or information

on Neurobehavioral Programs

or Imago Couple therapy call

913-322-5622. For more

information about Jude

LaClaire or the Kansas City

Holistic Centre go to

www.kcholistic.com

jude@kcholistic.com.

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